Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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