Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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