I can text with my tongue
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
