Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
