I want you more than these girls want KFC
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
