the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
