booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
