So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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