then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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