dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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