Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
