I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my shit smells like andre
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
