the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
