I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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