Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
