"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
