Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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