Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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