The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
