girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
