I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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