Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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