I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
