I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Randomize
