you guys were way drunker than both of me
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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