I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
