Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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