I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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