So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
