look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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