i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
