When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
