She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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