My room smells like vodka and shame
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
