AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
