I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
