Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
