You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
