i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
