Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
