I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
