ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
