so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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