One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
