Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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