i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
