I puked a lego.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
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