I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
