Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Rumble strips road head = magical
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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