I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
