youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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